can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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