Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Randomize
