idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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