Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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