my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
