Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
