I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
