You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
