im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
