hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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