I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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