First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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