She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
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I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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