I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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