Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
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