The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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