I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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