when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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