I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
