She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i think i have herpe
just one?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
