It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
