he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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