Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
