Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
