At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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