so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
