nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Houston, we have a blender
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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