Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I think a kid would responsible me up
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
