I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
