Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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