Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
