I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
