HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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