I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
