I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
