i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
this just has baby written all over it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Randomize
