Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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