i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
