Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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