If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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