I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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