Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
