Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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