Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
