YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
