he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
