How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
