you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
