I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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