You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
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he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
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Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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