i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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