My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
