remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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