After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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