I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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