planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
