I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
