Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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