highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Randomize
