If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
