When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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