i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
