I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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