I feel like abortions should bother me more
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Come on in and take your pants off
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