i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I looked at my own cervix.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
