Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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